It has come to my attention that sobriety is all important. I have come to realize that these memories I have from the future are not real, because memories reside in the past. These little misunderstandings are the foundation to a new way of remembering the past, ignoring memories of the future and living in the present.
It has been difficult to pin point sobriety. I mean sure, there is a handy list of things I know for certain to stay away from because the high men in places of power or the men in high places of power have written those substances down. They were kind enough to take the time to explicitly name those substances to stay away from. They were even kind enough to provide some real motivation for staying away.
Moving on to the problem. If I want to always be sober it would make sense that every time I am sober I will think and feel the same way. The issue is sometimes I am legally sober but I feel and think differently than other situations in which I am also legally sober. If I am trying to think, feel and act the same way at all times how am I to maintain a consistent state of mind. For instance, I was real tired right when I woke up which felt weird. Right before I went to sleep I felt much different than when I woke up.
My fatigue caused me to consume coffee and then a few redbulls and then I jerked off so I was feeling all sorts of things differently then the previous sober moments. The coffee and redbull changed my state of mind completely. Had I not had those substances I would have been dwelling on sleep and ways to kill myself so no one would find my body and everyone would think I must have run off to some exotic new place.
My new conclusion revolves around the idea that everything you ever experience or ingest has the potential to effect your state of mind similarly to that of an explicitly labeled and enforced narcotic. This means in order to maintain my sobriety I must stay away from most things and keep my life and day to day interactions as similar to all the others as possible. Working 9-5 will help a lot. I discovered soylent to replace all my meals. It is a liquid substance that contains all the nutrients I will require. I will now have the same depleted feelings, all the time. Sameness is the key here.
There is all the stuff I put in my body but then there is the emotional stuff that comes from talking to people and observing the various attempts by my misguided compatriots in existence to somehow change the world or make it prettier somehow. Deep, rich swirls of color and splotches of dazzling radiance on some fabric serves no other purpose than to basically upset your stomach. Although it isn't quite hunger, there is that stirring in your chest, like a fist is reaching directly through you but instead of ripping out your heart the hand just serves to reveal some endless unseen tunnel that recedes simultaneously into the past and future. Such immeasurable and astounding movements in being offer no value to the sameness I seek.
People. This is the big one. People are messy and tricky. My soylent meals offer an alabaster tint of perpetual continuity that grabs that fist and twists it in such a way that the mysterious being who dares lift some colossal weight from inside my very life stays a fair distance, I can see it move in my periphery but no longer will I be tempted to examine that inner space. Why can't people be like my soylent. They can't for many reasons, they don't live in my fridge is a big one. And thus I must swear off people as well. Anyone who makes me feel anything must be shun, thinking isn't any better. I am going to seek people who look, act, dress, talk and think the same way. Encountering an individual who says something I don't agree with or cannot understand is just about as bad as being drunk and high on cocaine which is clearly illegal. Well booze isn't but I'm sure it's just another oversight.
I think the best place for me is the corporate world. My new job is great and all the people there dress almost the exact same every day. No one is worried about change and we never have any conversations that would make a rock uncomfortable. All of my coworkers are into church and I am starting to really get the hang of it. I was worried at first because I thought every time we went, there would be some new topic discussed which would again stir my chest/stomach area, but it is totally the same every time!
