New Year's Resolutions

It is that time of the year where we all decide to change and slowly fail to do so until about a year later when we wake up hung over once again and do the same thing. I AM going to follow through with these directives. I can continue as a failure or I can change for the better.

1. Cut my hair, shave my face. Who am I kidding here. I need a good job. I need money. I need to look professional. The hair is going.

2. Drugs. I was a recreational drug user. I used harder drugs on occasion but mostly weed. I am going to stop using illegal substances. If weed becomes legal in Ohio I will likely remain sober.

3. Alcohol. I am going to drink more regularly but it is going to be hard liquor in new forms. I am going to buy a cocktail book and impress everyone with my knowledge of how to make cool drinks.

4. I am going to get a real job. I have always had jobs that didn't drug test, that didn't care about people with  long crazy hair and had a generally relaxed demeanor. There is a reason those jobs didn't pay much. I need health insurance, 40 hours minimum a week, 401 k plan, retirement plan and all those things that make someone a successful adult. 

5. Education. I am going to study for the GRE and look into graduate school. I was planning on doing this after I payed all my current loans off but I think more education is the answer, even if it means more debt.

6. Clothing. I need to look the part of my new role. I am going to start collecting a business wardrobe. This also means throwing away all my concert shirts and old ratty t-shirts. I need leather shoes and slacks. 

7. Religion. I have always had trouble believing in religious doctrines for obvious reasons. It is time I stopped trying to change the world for the better and started carving out my own slice. Even if I cannot believe personally I will no longer declare myself an atheist. For all intents and purposes at this point: I am Catholic. If I am going to be successful I cannot alienate my contemporaries and higher ups, especially if I am trying to climb the ladder. It's time I learned my place and kept my mouth shut. 

8. Exercise. I was focusing mostly on running before but now I am going to work mainly on getting ripped. Protein supplements and vitamins are on the horizon. I am going to get huge. Once I am a beast I will likely get a soul patch or some other interesting facial hair.

9. BMW, Audi or Benz. One of those will be mine in less than year.